Pitch It! (follow up)

I redid my pitch based on some of the comments I received. I tried to add the changes in the body of my original post, but for some reason, Blogger doesn't like me today. So, here it is. Original first, then the redo.

Old:

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-cum-real estate investor Amanda O'Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A man dying in her arms doesn't do much to help her grief.

As she investigates the man's death, she stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths. If anyone knows the full story behind the victim's life and death, they aren't sharing.

Rick Pierce has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. But with Amanda still lost in the past, how can he convince her he's the one she needs to be with?

The possibility of romance isn’t enough to erase the fact two convicts Amanda helped put away have escaped prison and are on a mission to find the woman who made their life hell. Intent on torturing and killing her, they're on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda's tenants?

As Amanda races to find the murderers and stop the men who want her dead, she must learn to look to her future. Rick will stop at nothing to make sure she sees that future realized.

New:

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-turned-real estate investor Amanda O'Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A former tenant dying in her arms doesn't do much to help her grief. As she investigates the man's death, Amanda stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths.

Two convicts Amanda helped put away have escaped. Intent on torturing and killing her, they're on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda's tenants?

Enter Rick Pierce. He has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. With Amanda caught up in the past as she races to stop the men who want her dead, how will Rick make her see their future together?

So, what say you? Better? Worse?

Until next time,

Pitch It!

For the October Christian Writers blog chain, we're pitching our novels! (Or doing a little tutorial on pitches.)

What is a pitch? 

A pitch is basically a way to sell your novel. Think of it like the trailer to that movie you're going to go see because of the commercials you've seen on TV. It's a tease; it gives the reader an idea on what your book is about. Some authors now are making their own book videos (K.M. Weiland has an AWESOME one for her novel Behold the Dawn.) But, most readers aren't going to go track down your video; they're going to read the blurb on the jacket cover of your book at the bookstore.

Photo from DeviantArt's SixSecondsLess

That's essentially what a pitch is, something that a reader sees that whets their appetite to read your book. Or, as in my case, something to whet the appetite of an agent or editor.

This month, I'm sharing the pitch for my novel, Homebody. And, it's up to you, my lovely reader, to help me improve the pitch. Tell me if what I've written would make you want to read more. If it's sitting on the shelf next to Nora Roberts, would you choose mine or hers? (Or, name another of your favorite authors.)

I'm pulling this directly from the latest query I've drafted--so I need it to be good!

Homebody:

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-cum-real estate investor Amanda O'Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A man dying in her arms doesn't do much to help her grief.

As she investigates the man's death, she stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths. If anyone knows the full story behind the victim's life and death, they aren't sharing.

Rick Pierce has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. But with Amanda still lost in the past, how can he convince her he's the one she needs to be with?

The possibility of romance isn’t enough to erase the fact two convicts Amanda helped put away have escaped prison and are on a mission to find the woman who made their life hell. Intent on torturing and killing her, they're on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda's tenants?

As Amanda races to find the murderers and stop the men who want her dead, she must learn to look to her future. Rick will stop at nothing to make sure she sees that future realized.
 

So, what do you think? Would you want to take this book home?

Until next time,