Monday, October 25, 2010

Pitch It! (follow up)

I redid my pitch based on some of the comments I received. I tried to add the changes in the body of my original post, but for some reason, Blogger doesn't like me today. So, here it is. Original first, then the redo.

Old:

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-cum-real estate investor Amanda O'Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A man dying in her arms doesn't do much to help her grief.

As she investigates the man's death, she stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths. If anyone knows the full story behind the victim's life and death, they aren't sharing.

Rick Pierce has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. But with Amanda still lost in the past, how can he convince her he's the one she needs to be with?

The possibility of romance isn’t enough to erase the fact two convicts Amanda helped put away have escaped prison and are on a mission to find the woman who made their life hell. Intent on torturing and killing her, they're on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda's tenants?

As Amanda races to find the murderers and stop the men who want her dead, she must learn to look to her future. Rick will stop at nothing to make sure she sees that future realized.


New:

Finding dead bodies is not what journalist-turned-real estate investor Amanda O'Flannigan had in mind when she changed careers. All she wanted was a distraction from the recent death of her fiancé. A former tenant dying in her arms doesn't do much to help her grief. As she investigates the man's death, Amanda stumbles into a web of lies and half-truths.

Two convicts Amanda helped put away have escaped. Intent on torturing and killing her, they're on a warpath to her doorstep. Are they responsible for the growing number of murders among Amanda's tenants?

Enter Rick Pierce. He has been in love with Amanda for a decade. A year and a half after the tragedy, Rick has worked up the nerve to tell Amanda how he feels. With Amanda caught up in the past as she races to stop the men who want her dead, how will Rick make her see their future together?


So, what say you? Better? Worse?

Until next time,

5 comments:

Sheila said...

Better!

Liberty Speidel said...

Thanks. And, it'll definitely help the lengthy word count I was encountering in my query letter! Total w/c is now under 300 (including bio stuff, length of story, etc.)

TraciB said...

Definitely better. A lot zippier. :)

Liberty Speidel said...

Thanks! Anything you'd change?

Tracy Krauss said...

I missed commenting the first time around. I like the new version! :)

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